Dear Gourmet Magazine,

I have a bone to pick with you.

I used to subscribe to your fine magazine and many other ad-infused compendiums of recipes and food talk until I decided that I really didn't have a need for yet another variation on the roasted turkey (every November) or a beginner's guide to grilling (all summer long).

And you knew this, didn't you?  It's why you rolled out issues devoted to "hot chefs" and "top restaurants" employing the same strategy that MTV did when they demoted music from the front lines and became a reality TV network.  I fell for that for awhile.  I'm kind of dumb like that.

This week you reinforced my sense of dumbness when I came across the most recent issue at an airport.  The bold type read: THE 20 TACOS YOU MUST TASTE.

You had me at "taco."  Really.  I believe tacos to be mankind's most perfect food, a tasty and flexible delivery system for the culinary imagination. 

For me, tacos are a source of comfort, solace, and strength.  Tacos!  Oh how my soul quivers at the thought of a perfectly fried tortilla filled with succulent meat and the tang of cheese, be it cheddar or cojita.  Or the juicy deliciousness of al pastor topped with a bit of pineapple that the taco chef has carved with a snap and tossed into the fold of a soft, warm tortilla.

Staring at that magazine cover I quickly built the mental list of the tacos I'd eaten and made:

• al pastor
• asada
• bean
• carnitas
• fish
• ground beef
• pollo
• picadillo
• potato
• textured vegetable protein
• zucchini blossom

It was clear that, despite my passion for the form, I had nothing like the comprehensive taco knowledge that your esteemed publication promised.  I bought your glossy September 2007 issue for $3.99 + tax without even opening the cover, assured that this investment was possibly one of the soundest I had ever made.

And then I opened your esteemed publication.

The recipe index lists but one taco: Tacos, Grilled Fish.

Panicked, I flipped through the page, littering the floor of the airplane with subscription cards, turning past ads for refrigerators that cost more than my car.  Surely, I thought, there had been a misunderstanding.  Maybe "THE 20 BEST TACOS YOU MUST TASTE" referred to a comprehensive article on restaurants serving tacos, complete with a list of Bed and Breakfasts I could stay in if I cared that much about tacos.

But ultimately I realized that this was not the case.  There were no "20 BEST TACOS YOU MUST TASTE." 

There were, however, two recipes for quesadillas, black bean and zucchini blossom.

Gourmet, no matter how you dress it up, quesadillas are the food that drunk people make for themselves when they come home late at night.  And I ask you: How often do drunk people have zucchini blossoms at their disposal?

I can only shriek into the night and ask:  WHERE THE HELL ARE THE TACOS??

Bitter and crestfallen, I remain,

Mark

Comments

[Cathie]

You can never have too much "Mexican Celebration" as the cover indicates. I celebrate every day!

[Marjorie]

Hilarious. I like how you alphabetized your taco list. Sounds like you are due for a visit to Siete Mares Express next time you are in town.

[Patricia Arcaro]

I loved your comments on Gourmet and for the same reasons dropped my subscription. However, unfortunately, not being an expert wordsmith, my verbiage lacked that certain oomph! Thanks for doing it for me and all those wandering souls who continue to search for a food magazine about - well, er,- food. Not ads or recycled recipes with one different ingredient which apparently makes it unique. Pat

[Tracy Sturdivant]

Hi there, I loved your comments to Gourmet mag. I have had similar thoughts about many magazines. Aren't they all just full of nothing most of the time? However, I lost my September 2007 issue of Gourmet magazine and would love to know if you still had yours and were willing to sell? I actually loved that particular issue and can't seem to find a copy anywhere. Sincerely, Tracy