The Importance of Being Kind

I'll be blunt: If you don't believe in the power of genuine kindness then you're missing out on a key mechanism that animates our universe.

It's really very easy to be kind.  It involves paying attention to the world you move through and taking the opportunities that present themselves to engage with others in a positive way.  It's asking the janitor what his or her name is, it's hopping into an elevator and asking the other people standing there what floor they want to go to so you can push the button for them, it's giving the gift of a compliment to a stranger.

This last thing is so hard for many people to do because it's so easy to be so self absorbed--like thinking when you're in junior high at a school dance that everyone is looking at you and noting what a dork you are.  We put on adult clothing and go to our jobs and wear this same attitude--it's an expression of fear, really--and we cut ourselves off from the people around us.

Giving gifts are at the core of being kind.  Gifts involve giving something without an expectation of anything in return. A specific compliment--"That's a gorgeous skirt" "Oh what a wonderful book you're reading"--without any expectation that (genuinely) has no motive other than acknowledging something noticed and positive.  So easy. 

And yet this happens so rarely.  I don't understand it.  A few weeks ago I told a couple I didn't know "You two look beautiful tonight" and you would have thought I told them they'd won the lottery.  They both blushed, looked at each other with a giddy, flushed happiness and gave me a grateful but stunned look.  It's possible I made there night.

Damn, that was easy.  See what I'm talking about?

I've just concluded that final match of Belltown Pizza Trivia and this experience has only reinforced the point I'm trying to make here.  On any given night--and there have been 24 of them, of which I've hosted about fourteen--there are maybe 75 people showing up and expecting fun.  This has been (a) a wonderful venue for me to get all performative on a bunch of unexpecting folks who generally eat it up with a spoon, and (b) give gifts to strangers.  After months of this I've made a couple of friends, a bunch of acquaintances, and have had lots of feedback indicating I've made particular moments, evening, and experiences better than they would otherwise be.

This warms my heart. And that's important to me.  It was only about seven years ago I actually discovered that my heart was a more important organ than my brain. 

So, to get pedantic: Be Kind.

While more about karma than kind (though the two are intimately related) I recommend reading Ariel's musings on Pepe's Garden.  I'll come back to this topic soon.

Comments

[SJ]

I remember reading somewhere that "it's not in the true nature of kindness that we’re doing anyone a favor by practicing it." I’m probably misquoting, but I think this means that the way in which kindness animates or influences the larger universe is dependent on what motivates it. Are we kind because we’re human and we want to be liked and appreciated, or because we’re under stress and want to pay off karma? If so, who are we really being kind to? I’ve struggled with this one. Maybe it’s all about the why, not the how... I mean, it is easy (and fun and gratifying) to be kind, but it seems to be super difficult to be really compassionate because that might mean giving up the "I" in the equation, looking beyond kindness as a focused decision or a burden of the moment and transforming it into something as unintentional as breathing. (Which seems hardly possible given our nature, but maybe optimism is an essential part of kindness, too.) :)

[mark]

I guess I don't view kindness in the way I've described as being motivated by a personal payoff.

There IS clearly a personal payoff for me that comes in the aggregate, but I don't look for it, for example, when I give someone a compliment. And I'm not consciously trying to rack of "karma points," but I do firmly believe that what you toss out to the universe comes back like a boomerang. Does that make sense? It's why I linked to Ariel's musing on Pepe's Garden--that kind of shit happens to me all the time.

You wrote "Are we kind because we’re human and we want to be liked and appreciated." I think that it's the moment that one's able to not give a shit about being liked or appreciated in a human interaction--which is another way of saying suspending your fear--that amazing stuff happens. And it happens, I think, because you are then genuinely projecting interest and compassion toward another person and the interaction you have has the quality of a gift and not an exchange.

[SJ]

That sounds like the most desirable kind of personal payoff – you enjoy taking time with people and, in a sense, showing them who you are; warm fuzzies from their reaction to your compliment reinforces the way you continue to interact with people and sustains your feeling of personal connectedness. It’s mutually beneficial, and lets you and those around you ride a current of good will. Good on you!

But the idea of karma as a boomerang, as a vehicle to good shit that happens... that doesn’t feel right to me. It implies that no matter how hard the conscious mind might argue to the contrary there would be no "boome" without the hope of a "rang," without a practical return on the investment that’s paid off to the ego we’re (ideally) trying to suspend via compassionate living. I was delighted by Ariel’s Pepe’s Garden story because, sure, that literal karmic boomerang thing was in evidence, but more because she was at a crossroads (buying a home) and under stress (financial stuff tied to buying a home) and instead of tightening her belt she loosened it. She seemed to lighten the load and let the money not matter except as a tribute to her old neighborhood and a garden she loved. The real payoff wasn’t the checks that came back from her freelance jobs (though those couldn’t have hurt!), it was the momentary adjustment in her perspective on money and letting go of its imaginary value. I dug that a lot.

[Agata]

Super site ! Bravo au webmaster qui a su rendre le site tres interressant.Continue comme ca ;)
;)

[Benedict]

This web-site is the coolest! Now I dont have to feel so intimated by science! Youre a genius! I think Ill visit this site often.
;)

[Bede]

How many people, are so much and opinions. Personally I like the ja rule new york lyric [url=http://jarule.servetown.com/ja-rule-new-york-lyric.html]ja rule new york lyric[/url]
. How about you? ;)

[Felice]

It is interesting, what has pushed you on this thought? Here I think only about advance auto part coupon
.

[Bernardyn]

It is surprising, how you have guessed before? Remember a proverb? 7 times measure, 1 time cut off. You should think about loan amortization calculator
.

[Nicodem]

And in my opinion it is an excellent site with excellent posts and comments. Many thanks to all authors. Think of the mlb seattle mariners
. I wish all good luck. Whole.

[Agnieszka]

Hi! Your site appeared very useful to me. Excellent work, thanks.

[Stella]

O, super project. Yes! so hold.

[DrienceLealia]

The Washington, DC Financial Services Association (DCFSA), a coalition of over 40 fastest loan online payday stores in the District l promoting responsible lending, ...

[Victoria]

je n'arive pas le"Techno L2" kes ki fau faire svp !!!

[Raymond]

I enjoy your site very much! and i hope that voltswagon will enjoy you too.

[Ksawery]

Ooo, baby, I love your way, everyday... Do not pay attention, simply good mood... Friends, happiness to you, health, love, success, agus sudjanto bank of america
, all all the best. Thanks

[affan]

who is the author?